Hi Sharon,
Thought you might like some of our Irish jokes for your captive audiences!
Murphy was in London and travelling on the underground in the early hours of the morning. He disembarked from the train and was walking towards the escalator when he noticed a sign that said, "dogs must be carried on the escalator at all times". He said, "my God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"!!
Murphy saw a man from Galway and asked whether it was true that men from Galway always answered a question with another question. He said, "who told yer that?"
2 nuns went grocery shopping in a red Mini. They couldn't find a park so one said to the other, "I'll go in and get the groceries and you drive around until I come out". When she came out she couldn't find the car so she asked a man nearby whether he'd seen a nun in a red Mini. He said, "not since I took the pledge!"
Murphy rang Irish Airlines and asked how long it took to fly from Shannon to New York. The girl who answered the phone said, "just a minute". He put the phone down and said that was wonderful.
Murphy and Casey were riding a motorcycle. Murphy was riding pillion and yelled to stop the bike because he was cold. So Casey told him to turn his coat around and button it down the back. They set off again and then Casey was horrified to see that after a time Murphy wasn't there. So he turned the bike around and saw Murphy on the road surrounded by 6 people. He said, "is he OK?" They said he had been but ever since they turned his head around to face the same as the buttons on the coat he hadn't been speaking!
There were 25 people waiting for a bus. Murphy said, "if we all get on the bus about half of us will be left behind".
Murphy kept a gun under his pillow. One night he heard a noise and pulled the gun out and fired and shot his big toe off. He said,"thank God I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed, otherwise I'd have blown me brains out!"
Murphy is driving a truck and it gets stuck under a bridge. A cop watches his efforts to extricate himself for a while then says, "are ye stuck?" Murphy says, "no, I was delivering the bridge and lost the address".
An American was driving near Galway in a huge Cadillac. He stopped when he saw a farmer and said, "how far to Galway?" The farmer said, "6 miles, but with a car like that you could do it in three!"
The doctor said to Murphy, "I can't find anything wrong with you; I'll have to put it down to the drink". Murphy said, "that's OK Doctor, I'll come back another time when you're sober".
There was a Scotsman in Dublin on his honeymoon - but he was alone. When asked where his wife was he said, "she's back in Scotland; she's been to Dublin before!"
There was a knock on the bedroom door and it was the hotel porter. He said, "what time did you want to be called? Was it 7 o'clock or 8 o'clock?"
Murphy said, "no, I wanted to be called at 9 o'clock. What time is it now?" The porter said "11 o'clock!"
This fella went to a furrier to buy a muff to keep his hands warm. The furrier said, "of course Sir, what fur?" He said, "I just told you - to keep me hands warm".
Murphy and his wife were in a lift and a gorgeous blonde got in with them. Murphy couldn't keep his eyes off her and his wife noticed this. When the lift doors opened the blonde smacked him across the face and said, "I don't like men who pinch my bottom". And she stalked off. Murphy said to his wife, "I swear I didn't pinch her bottom". His wife said, "I know you didn't; I did!"
Someone told Casey's wife that he chased women. She said, "let him chase them; it's the same as a dog chasing cars. The dog can't drive".
Murphy's wife was telling a friend that Murphy had dropped dead when he went out into the garden to cut a cabbage. She said, "my God, what did you do?" She said, "what could I do; I opened a can of peas!"
There was a knock on the door and there was a man there. He said to Casey's wife, "I'm collecting for the home for alcoholics, can you give me anything?" She said, "no, but if you come back at 5 me husband will be here and you can have him!"
The little Catholic boy said to the little Jewish boy, "our priest knows far more than your Rabbi". The little Jewish boy said, "of course he does, because you tell him everything!"
Did you hear about the Irish plumber? He was visiting Niagra Falls and said, "I think I can fix this!"
If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, you obviously don't understand the situation.
O'Shaunessy had an epitaph on his tombstone. It read, "now do you believe I'm sick!"
A supermarket was burgled and 5000 cigarettes and 2 dozen lettuce were stolen. The Police are looking for a rabbit with a bad cough!
Murphy asked the barber how much for a haircut. The answer was 3 pounds. He said, "how much for a shave?" The answer was 1 pound. He said, "right, shave me head".
Murphy went shopping and said he would like to buy a few things. The assistant said "of course, Sir. Do you have a list?" He said, "no, I always stand this way!"
The Irish farmer was riding a donkey down the road and his poor wife was walking behind. When asked why he was riding and she was walking he said, "she hasn't got a donkey".
The porter took his bags, walked on ahead and said, "I'll be right behind you".
The Irishman in a pub was discussing religion and said "I'm an atheist - thank God!"
She said. "would you like today's paper or yesterday's paper?" He said, "I'd like today's". She said, "well, you'll have to come back tomorrow!"
Casey was walking down the road with his front door under his arm. Flanagan saw him and said, "why are you carrying the door?" Casey said, "I've lost the key!" Flanagan said, "well, you'd better not lose the door otherwise you won't be able to get in!" Casey said, "it's all right, I've left a window open!"
Uncle Pat reads the death notices every morning and can't understand why people die in alphabetical order!
The Scottish nephew buys a lovely gold watch from his uncle who is on his deathbed. He paid by cheque!
Murphy and Son quoted for the tunnel under the English Channel and the price was 500 pounds. When asked why he could build it so cheaply he said, " well there's just meself and the son so we cut out the middleman! Me son will go to France and start digging from that side and I'll dig from this side. And we'll meet in the middle". When asked what would happen if they failed to meet he said, "well, then you'll have 2 tunnels for the price of one!"
Henessey was about to take his 1st parachute jump. The instructor said "now I want you to go up in the plane and when you get to 6000 feet jump out. But seeing as it's your 1st jump don't pull the ripcord until you're 10 feet from the ground. This is so you won't have so far to fall if the parachute doesn't open!"
O'Shaunessy wanted to be buried at sea. 5 of the lads drowned digging the grave!
That's probably enough for one night!
Cheers,
Jim D and Gina
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